Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
kristin has been a bad kristin
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dignity is for republicans.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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