i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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