Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
