my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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