i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize