So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
