I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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