Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
