I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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