I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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