My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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