I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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