Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
