gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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