I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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