Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
