I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
