I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
