I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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