Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
