Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
