Cold hands, warm shart.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Umm I'm too high to move.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize