I wannas sexs uuuuu
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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