that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need a burrito and a hug.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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