I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
