She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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