guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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