Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
