I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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