Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
