Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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