dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
