hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
