I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
