If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
