true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
