i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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