nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
