How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
