Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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