is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
