I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
