probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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