the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
