piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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