Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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