He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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