So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
