blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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