Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
