I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
