I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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