I just saw a hot homeless man
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
