just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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