I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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