i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
