I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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