You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
