she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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